We are not the summation of our emotions, yet we often attach our identities to our emotions as if that is the definition of who we are. We experience our emotions, but they are not us. It is more correct to say, “That person is frequently experiencing anger,” than to say “That person is always angry.” Looking at it from that perspective can give us more compassion for others and ourselves.
Emotions are incredibly fickle because they are simply “energy in motion,” which means they are constantly changing. Our emotions do not represent us. Instead, we experience emotion as it arises. If we tend to experience one emotion more frequently than others, then it’s likely because we have created patterns and habits with that emotion, In essence, we have created an emotional default, but it does not mean that emotion represents who we are.
Our brains actually create little groove-like pathways for our thoughts and emotions, and the more we repeat each thought or feeling, the deeper the grooves become. Just as the brain can deepen groves for emotions we experience regularly, we can retrain our mind and body to default to a different emotion if our current default isn’t serving us. Awareness of your default emotion is the first step to breaking an unwanted pattern. Most people are so used to feeling their default emotion it’s become second nature, and they likely aren’t even aware of its continuing presence or that it can be changed.
Did you know that emotions need to be felt to be processed? And yet emotions only take 90 seconds to run their course! Anything longer than 90 seconds only stays because of the story we tell ourselves. So don’t be afraid to feel the emotions as they come bubbling up because it’s important to acknowledge them for what they are. You don’t even need to know why you are feeling a particular emotion. Just simply feel it and acknowledge it without judgment.
There are two major issues to be aware of when it comes to emotions:
- Dwelling on the emotions past 90 seconds is where developing patterns for that emotion usually begins. Allowing emotions to run their course is only part of the answer. Then you have to let go when their time is up. This is key to breaking negative emotional habits.
- Opposite of dwelling on emotions is refusing to feel your emotions. Sometimes we experience traumas that are too painful to face. As a result, some of us push the emotions away, hoping they will disappear on their own. Refusing to let emotions surface and run their natural course doesn’t eliminate them. Instead, the emotions become repressed, and they fester, waiting to emerge through other means. Often times repressed emotions will be expressed in different ways, such as sickness, anxiety, depression, and mental illness.
There are three ways we can reprogram negative emotional patterns into positive patterns:
- Our breathing.
- Our posture.
- What we tell ourselves about our emotion.
When someone is experiencing anger they usually do not breath in deeply. Instead people experiencing anger tend to lean forward and reduce how deeply they can breathe in. As such their breaths tend to be shallow followed by heavy exhales. They will position themselves to take up a lot of space and display outward signs of stress and tension in the form of a clenched jaws and fists.
Taking a deep breath while experiencing anger is one of the last things we feel like doing, but proper breathwork is the most needed to defuse the energy of anger. Straightening up gives our abdomen and chest more room to expand for deep breaths. Relaxing tenses muscles in the hands, arms and shoulders will contribute to easier movement for deep breaths.
Someone who is experiencing grief has the opposite issue of someone with anger. They don’t want to let go of their breath just as they don’t want to let go of whatever loss they are facing that brought about the grief. They are tensing their body to try and hold on and usually curled into themselves for comfort. Relaxing and exhaling fully, while standing up tall will help lessen the powerful grip of grief and allow it to run its course. If the loss is recent and it’s a major loss, this is not necessarily going to pass within 90 seconds as many of our daily emotions tend to do.
The above are just a few basic examples. Challenge yourself to be aware of your own default emotion. Notice your posture and breathing pattern and what breath brings up the most resistance. The breath with the most resistance is likely the very breath we need at that moment to break any unwanted patterns. When in doubt of what you need, stand tall, shoulders back, and take lake long, slow, deep and full breaths in and out the nose to help reset your emotional state.
If the grooves of your habitual emotions run deep, give yourself some grace if you struggle to retrain yourself. It takes diligent and consistent hard work to retrain how you experience emotions and it can be easy to forget to breathe differently in the moment. When you catch yourself “failing,” remember this is not something you can change overnight. Give yourself credit for even being aware and wanting to make the change. Tell yourself that you can and will achieve your desired goal and keep moving forward. Slow progress is far better than giving up and not having any progress.
If you have any questions, please be sure to send me a message from my contact page.